To that end, we’ve gathered 27 tweets that accurately and hilariously capture the realities of married life.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I feel sorry for my Wife.
If it wasn't for me, everyone would call us a beautiful couple.
Me: The legend of this day shall reverberate through the ages
Wife: Seriously? You did one load of laundry
Me: Behold my majesty
Wife: Darn. Prince Harry is off the market.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
Me: Why does it matter? You weren't on the market.
Wife: *refuses to make eye contact*
My wife is going to qualify for free shipping no matter how much it costs.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 28, 2017
It’s so nice when my husband’s away that the dog can fill in as the loudest breather of the household.— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) November 16, 2017
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 11, 2017
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 23, 2017
Me - You almost ready?— Dan R (@Social_Mime) June 21, 2017
Wife - Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me - Yesterday at 7.
Wife: *asks question*— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) November 20, 2017
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
For the first time in 16 years, I remembered where we keep the tape without having to ask my wife, so our marriage is going well right now.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 21, 2017
the chicken in my wife's spicy chicken burger was bigger than the bun while mine was smaller and I know ill bring it up in a future argument— brent (@murrman5) August 27, 2017
Me: *walking on the moon*— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) November 18, 2017
[text from wife]: Can you bring home some more milk?
My wife and I are tackling a home improvement project together.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2017
Just thought I'd give you a heads up.
This is my last post as a married man.
*wife is out of town*— Gorilla Von Nips (@GorillaNipples1) November 11, 2017
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I don't know which is worse— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 28, 2017
1) My wife whistled for me to come downstairs
2) I did it
I didn’t even know it was possible to argue about a topic you agree on until I got married.— not the WORST mom 🤔 (@nottheworstmom) November 28, 2017
Husband: We should go to Costco.— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) July 1, 2017
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Husband is currently mad at me because I can’t show him how to do something that I don’t even know how to do.— Kris (@Miss_Kris85) November 30, 2017
My husband almost threw away a package of cookies because they were crumbled so now we have to go marriage counseling. I just hope it’s not too late.— Judy Bean❤️’s 🍪 (@jnapsalot) November 19, 2017
[IKEA]— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 20, 2017
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears glass break*
*knows where I am*
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) December 3, 2017
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) December 4, 2017
H: why is the heat turned up so high in here?— she’s unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) December 1, 2017
Me: so I can sleep with a fan on.
I’m gonna need my husband to hurry up and finish his story so I can tell the same story but, like, a lot better.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) December 3, 2017
I feel like if I use my demon voice then it's ok to interrupt the scary movie my husband is watching to ask him if he wants nachos.— Wendy (@_wendyb07) November 6, 2017
95% of any Home Depot trip is spent trying to find my husband again.— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 28, 2017