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Why I Always Delete My Internet History

02/03/2017 05:02 SAST | Updated 02/03/2017 08:29 SAST
Martinns via Getty Images
How you not drown, tiny baby?

I'm a young woman who always does her best to conduct herself in a professional, agreeable manner.

That's why I always clear my browser history when it comes to what I Google -- because I don't want people to see that on the outside I'm on-the-ball in a pencil skirt, but on the inside I'm an inquisitive three-year-old with a search engine for a mother.

When I'm not pondering the hows and whys of very random stuff, I'm reminiscing on things gone by which are just as random, like what is the guy who printed street directories doing now, and when did Waldorf salads go out of fashion?

Here's the stuff I wondered recently in a day:

  • If a baby is swimming around in liquid for nine months, how come as soon as they are born into the world they would drown if they were put in water?
  • Why, in 2017, are cafe tables still so tiny? Never have I gone to brunch and not had to juggle my flat white, water glass and plate of food. I am thinking of starting a change.org for normal-sized cafe tables.
  • While on the topic of cafes, why do 'they' think I want to pinch the Himalayan rock salt between my fingers and sprinkle it on my food? Gross. What's even more gross is other people's fingers in the same pot. Why does pepper still get a grinder? Poor salt.

GooDween123 via Getty Images
These should be banned for public use.

  • Remember when focaccia was a really big thing? Then Turkish bread came along, and now sourdough. RIP, uncool breads.
  • Why do people still request read receipts on emails when the recipient can just decline to send one? #der
  • Why did they call a nose job 'rhinoplasty'? The person having the surgery already feels they resemble a rhino. No need to rub it in.

Chris Minihane
Cruel.

  • If sour cream is cream that has gone sour, why does it have an expiration date? Okay, I stole that one from my Year 8 maths teacher. (Hi Mr O'Neill.) But honestly, how come?
  • Why did the scientists who made up medical words make them so damn hard to spell? Was it done on purpose to make us spelling impaired folk feel more dumberer? I had to type a sentence the other day which included pneumonia, emphysema and psoriasis. It took me 20 minutes.
  • Remember when people used floppy disks, or even USBs? #retro

Andreas Naumann / EyeEm via Getty Images
If you don't know what this is, you're in your early 20s. If you still use USBs, for the love is less landfill, PLEASE learn how to use DropBox.

  • When, by definition, is someone middle-aged*? I think it's 50 but it's highly unlikely I'll live for a century (*Googles, finds out it's from 35-58, remembers I'm 35 next month, stocks up on anti-wrinkle serum because it's cheaper than a sports car).
  • Uber is always 'connecting me to 8 nearby drivers.' Always 8, never 7 or 9. What's with that?
  • Remember when you just rocked up to the movies and tried your luck? Or couldn't get the tape or DVD you wanted because it was out at Video Ezy. Kids these days will never know the struggle.

Hawkesbury Gazette
Never forget.

  • Why is Woman's Weekly a monthly magazine and Woman's Day a weekly magazine? I worked in magazines for over a decade and it always baffled me.

That's it for today, but it's only 2 pm, so I might see you in Reddit.

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