29/03/2017 19:19 SAST | Updated 30/03/2017 08:11 SAST

Men Need To Stop Being So Insecure About Vibrators. They're Not Your Competitor.

Seriously. Either join in the fun or leave.

The first time I used a vibrator was late 2015. I'm almost embarrassed to say it took me so long to start exploring the great pleasure I could give myself with the help of my little buzzing friend. Then I think about the fact that there are probably many women out there who like me are afraid of self-pleasure and exploration. There's the thought that women aren't supposed to masturbate because it makes them hyper-sexualised and women aren't supposed to behave like that. Or that you're dirty or childish for wanting to touch yourself and figure out what makes you tick. After some time though I realised that my fingers could only get me so far and so I got over the insecurity and went online to search for a friend who would do better than my fingers.

At no point was the thought of getting a vibrator about a man and replacing that intimacy of being with a partner with a little bullet that tickles my clit. It was an additive to my discovery of how far sexual pleasure can go and lucky for me, introducing it to a partner was not met with an adverse reaction. I however quickly realised that I've been fortunate in this regard.

Some men do not like vibrators. To them these little "machines" are a threat — a competitor of sorts. This idea popped into my head last week when I was at the Sexpo. I ended up in the Teaze-hers lounge watching male strippers take their clothes off and grind on women in ways I cannot even begin to describe. In between all my gasping and shrieking, I had a conversation with two women I ended up sitting next to on a couch close to the stage. I asked both of them why they had not brought their partners with them to the Sexpo because they mentioned needing to rush home to them soon. Both of them shook their heads quickly saying their men were not the type to do "that kind of thing".

Later after I probed a bit, one of the women said her boyfriend was "too traditional" to attend a Sexpo and did not believe in using toys and such things. When I asked her why, she said he just didn't understand why she needed them and would throw her toys away if he found them. This she admitted, was frustrating because the good toys do not come cheap.

Here was a woman before me who looked like she was empowered to own her sexuality but a man was standing in the way of taking their relationship to new heights with fun toys that have the ability to bring pleasure to both people who use them.

I thought perhaps she was just an exception but on Tuesday night while I caught up on the Season 3 of "Grace and Frankie", there was an episode where Bud's new girlfriend brought a vibrator over to his place and it was clear he could not fathom why she would need one. He must have tossed it aside when they got to the bedroom because after they had sex he heard her reach climax while he was in the kitchen scrambling some eggs. When Bud confronts her later he says the sounds she made from the vibrator were different, questioning whether it meant the vibrator was better than him. She explained this was not the case, the experiences were just different. It was not a competition. Also she very clearly wanted him to partake in her pleasure which is why she showed it to him to begin with.

For more information on this matter I decided to crowd source on my Facebook timeline posing the question: "Why are men so averse to the idea of their partners using vibrators? 🤔"

These are some answers I got:

It might be the notion that she might climax or get more enjoyment from the use of a vibrator (take note the shape and size of some of the vibrators put some man in the shadows). Some men take part as well and don't mind, and some do enjoy the sight of their partners in their throes but to some men, it has to be them that are the cause of all enjoyment and climax for a woman, but all in all, it goes down to the ego. A man needs to feel that he has performed, for the male ego at times, rides on its sexual ability.

For some, it's an issue of how they have been socialized to think. For them, sex happens to a woman, it is done to her and they feel it's supposed to be done by a man. It then becomes hard to reconcile that a woman can do it to herself. For others it's an "am I not enough"?/"am I not doing a good enough job?" thing. They see it as a replacement and not an additional tool.

We are insecure Shandukani Omphulusa Mulaudzi. A man can never outperform a machine. That makes us very uncomfortable. Ask around that thing they call performance anxiety. It takes a very liberal and open-minded chap to accept that. Us conservative guys. Noooo. I will die.

More than 20 comments later the conclusion I have made is that, on the most part, this is about insecurity but, like I said about myself, using a vibrator was not about a man. Women struggle to come into their own when it comes to open sexuality and this added burden of dealing with a man's ego is a mountain no woman needs to climb.

In 2014, HuffPost Queer Voices published this article which says lesbian women are having more orgasms than straight women. Possible differences between lesbian sex and straight sex: "length of the sexual encounter, attitude towards gender, sexual roles during intercourse and possible hormonal differences". Another was the fact that women probably know each other's bodies best. Men need to realise that sex is not just for them as women climaxing from penetration is often very difficult and requires much patience and work. If a woman is not masturbating and finding her spots herself, this automatically doubles your challenge. If you are not willing to put in the work and try different things — again you're only screwing yourself (excuse the very direct and deliberate pun).

Vibrators and other toys are not just for her, they are for both of you and there are so many different types out there specifically designed for both partners to have fun. Stop holding yourself back. By refusing to use these toys you're actually doing more harm than good to what could be a very fruitful and rewarding sexual experience.

Using toys could turn you on too. Ask my partner, he knows.


P.S. Dear women, if he tries to tell you using a vibrator will make you lose sensitivity he's a liar and a scammer. This is a myth.