Allow the 29 tweets below to give you an accurate sneak peek of what lies ahead:
Before marriage - I can listen to you talk all day.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) February 22, 2018
After marriage - Get to the point, I have to pee.
If you’ve never dug a food label out of the trash to prove a point, are you even married?— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) February 15, 2018
I can’t be sure but either my husband’s snoring woke me up or the earth itself cracked in half.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) February 16, 2018
DATING: I thought it was sad when I’d see a married couple at a restaurant not talking.— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 19, 2018
MARRIED: We carry on an entire conversation about the couple on a date at the table next to us using only our eyebrows.
Wife: Want to go grocery shopping with me?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 19, 2018
Me: I'm kind of busy.
Me: My schedule just opened up.
For every year of marriage, your wife will put on her pajama pants 20 minutes earlier.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 9, 2018
If you've been married for any length of time, you've thought about grocery shopping during sex. Don't front.— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) February 15, 2018
I can now wear my 13 yr old son’s hoodies and all my other needs can be outsourced, so my husband has outlived his usefulness.— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) February 22, 2018
It was when my wife handed me a can of Febreze through a cracked bathroom door that I knew the romance was still alive— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) February 18, 2018
Prayers for my husband who just saw me take a handful of Oreos out of the pantry and said, "I thought you were on a diet."— Danielle and Farrah (@effinghandbook) February 20, 2018
Like a cat dropping a dead mouse at the doorstep, my husband leaves empty pop cans by the sink.— Mary (@AnniemuMary) February 2, 2018
My wife always says that I act like a baby when I’m sick but that’s only because she gets mad when she has to drive me around in the car to fall asleep.— Chez McCorvey (@CelebrityChez) February 22, 2018
We put a couch beside our treadmill so I can have somewhere to sit and eat chips while my husband does his little “workout.”— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 20, 2018
My wife looked at me longingly this morning, staring deeply, and said those words every person loves to hear:— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 22, 2018
"You have an eye booger."
Husband: Did you get the spinach I asked for?— Mommy Thoughts (@momthoughts13) February 20, 2018
Me: Isn't it in that box?
H: These are doughnuts.
Me: Oh shit, must have mixed them up. Could have sworn I got spinach.
Me: Ok, agree to disagree— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 21, 2018
It’s like my husband doesn’t even appreciate that I changed from my gross sweats into my good sweats before he got home.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) January 27, 2018
Wife: can you pick up milk?— The Dad (@thedad) February 16, 2018
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. The fast food place got her order wrong and I didn’t check it.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) February 17, 2018
Sometimes asking your wife if she needs anything from Target is all the foreplay needed— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) February 15, 2018
My wife asked me to hand her the thing-a-ma jig and I gave her the remote control when it turns out she was asking for the phone charger and now she doesn’t even know who I am anymore.— fundy (@funderlaw) January 20, 2018
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) February 22, 2018
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
My husband & I get along great as long as we don't talk about money, work, kids, where to eat, how much my makeup costs, why he's in the bathroom THAT long, etc.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 10, 2018
If the marriage vows had said “in sickness, health, and leaving the cereal box out with the bag open,” I’m not sure I would have agreed to them.— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 17, 2018
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 17, 2018
Single: We do it like rabbits— ERIC (eric) (@ericsshadow) November 14, 2017
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
My husband still asks “what color Gatorade?” Like we are newlyweds.— 🥨 10,000 Pretzels 🥨 (@MommaUnfiltered) February 11, 2018
Told the airline I had an emotional support husband and we laughed and laughed and laughed.— Boo Meringue (@Izianikapani) February 17, 2018
At some point in our marriage my husband decided it was acceptable to clean out his sinuses while washing his face.— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) February 23, 2018
I let this happen.