LIFESTYLE
22/03/2018 11:27 SAST | Updated 22/03/2018 11:32 SAST

My Sexual Appetite Is Bigger Than His, So What Do I Do?

A sexologist has a few tips.

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One of the most common sexual complaints by couples is that one wants sex more than the other.

"It's very common that partners' sexual appetites aren't equal, one is almost always higher than the other one's," said sexologist and clinical psychologist, Dr Eugene Viljoen.

"This causes sexual frequency between the couple to be determined by the one with the lowest sex drive," he added.

This could be because of a number of reasons, including psychological, mental and interpersonal ones. In fact, what's designated as one partner's low level of desire may more accurately reflect a hyperactive sex drive in the other partner, according to Psychology Today.

Notably, men are more readily physiologically aroused than women, and, for them, desire is tied tightly to this arousal; whereas with women, sexual desire is typically more psychological and situational, influenced by how they feel about their bodies as well as the quality of relationship with their partner.

This causes sexual frequency between the couple to be determined by the one with the lowest sex drive.

"This can easily lead to frustration, or offence, from the partner with the higher sex drive, who may think that they are not doing enough to please their partner intimately," pointed out Viljoen.

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So what to do?

Viljoen's tips:

1. Have an open conversation

Talking openly about sexual expectations in a relationship may lead to more understanding and less frustration. "What is your expectation, what causes you to be aroused, what kills your desire" may all be good starting points to the conversation.

2. Try something different

Don't be scared to try new things. Some exploring can lead to new arousal discoveries and "low sexual drive" may partly be because these have never been explored.

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3. Don't let go of what works

What arouses passion or desire need not be let go of, as you try new things. As best as possible, the more highly sexed partner must try to create the kind of atmosphere that is most likely to be conducive to the other partner desiring sex.

4. Self-pleasure

There is no shame with self-pleasure. In fact, partners with the higher sex drive may from time to time resort to masturbation to "fill the desire gaps" — as long as this is not secretive and openly communicated in the relationship.

5. Seek professional help

If you believe your different sexual appetites threaten the very survival of the relationship, consider seeking professional help. Sexologists and sex coaches, for example, are trained to deal with such issues and may just provide the help you need.

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