26/04/2018 12:46 SAST | Updated 11/05/2018 13:51 SAST

5 Ridiculous (And Surprisingly True) Pieces Of Dating and Sex Advice From Comedians

What do Joey Rasdien and Jason Goliath have in common? Well, they’re hella funny and they give some good – and somewhat absurd - relationship advice.

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You know the saying, 'Comedians tell the truth (that no one has the guts to tell)'? We've found some seriously enlightening stand-up lines from two of our faves, Joey Rasdien and Jason Goliath. On the one end, Rasdien is a 41-year single guy (and father) and on the other end is Goliath who declares that he has just found 'the one'.

Both of them, in their irreverent (and explicit) way, tell us a thing or two about dating, relationships, and sex:

1. Understand the Error Of Parallax

"The error of parallax means that if you look from the top it looks like there's more in. That's why when chicks take photos for Instagram, they take it from the top so the double chin is gone and all you see is titties." – Joey Rasdien

2. Kama Sutra for who?

"When I date a woman, I tell them straight, forget about eight-hundred Kama Sutra moves... I've got four moves that I'm f*ken amazing at. After those four moves you'll tap out one, two, three and after four, you'll be done!" – Jason Goliath

3. What's the secret to a lasting marriage?

"If you're married, you'll agree that the major secret is making love. Sex is the thing. We live for routine and sex has become a part of that routine. I know people who only p*mp on a Sunday. Ladies can get away with murder on a Sunday cause if he messes it up, the cookie closes." – Jason Goliath

4. This is not a drag race, it's a road trip.

"Guys, we've got to take our time, women are not like us. Just because she says 'now', doesn't mean she's ready [for sex]. Just be committed to getting her there and she'll tell you when she's ready." – Jason Goliath

5. After the deed...

"You are not done gents. You have to pull her closer to you. Let her feel that you appreciate this that she has allowed and shared with you. Then pull her even closer and let her feel that your heart is racing too." – Jason Goliath

Watch Joey Rasdien Live At the Lyric Theatre here and Goliath Live At The Lyric Theatre here.

Be warned: Take their advice at your own risk. Prepare to rewind, laugh and repeat.

The only thing better than this advice is the fact that you can stream these and other incredible shows on Showmax – when the kids are sleeping.

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