29/11/2016 05:56 SAST | Updated 29/11/2016 08:03 SAST

An open letter to Darryll Cullinan, Brian McMillan and Kallie Kriel from Santa

Reuters Photographer / Reuters
South Africa's Daryll Cullinan (L) and the non-playing Alan Donald hug after winning the third test against New Zealand at Wellington's Basin Reserve March 22. South Africa won the match by 8 wickets and the series by 1-0. NM/CC

Dear Darryll, Brian and Kallie

As you know, it's almost Christmas and Santa has been busy going through the pile of mails he has received from millions of children from across the world. I must admit that some of them have been rather naughty this year, so I am not too sure all of them deserve a Christmas present. That said gentlemen, all three of you have said some rather silly things this year and Mrs Claus is adamant that I should give you fellows a skip until you stop with your foolishness. But because I am such a good sport, I nevertheless decided to include your chaps on my gift list this year.

A couple of weeks ago, Santa stumbled upon this book called Cricket and Conquest: The History of South African Cricket Retold. It was written by Andre Odendaal, Krish Reddy, Christoper Reddy and Jonty Winch. What a jolly good read!

Santa has already made special arrangements with his elves to ensure that a copy is delivered to you Darryll, first thing Christmas morning. You see Darryll, the book chronicles the tragic beginnings of black cricket in South Africa since 1795. It also tells the mostly neglected story of Malay and Coloured cricket and how black cricket flourished in the 1880s. Goodness gracious, they even had their own tournaments Darryll! Just a pity about that colonisation thing and that terribly bad period called apartheid. And here you were telling people earlier this year on that cricket "is not inherently a black man's game in the country."

You even mentioned that "soccer is the most popular sport amongst black youth." Hopefully Daryl the book will give you some insights as to how lucky you were to play cricket at a time when so many didn't have the opportunity. You even got to play for South Africa, despite your apparent weakness to playing quality leg spin. What was that Warne chap's name again? Have the lambs stop screaming yet Darryll? And stop the ignorant nonsense like telling foreigners that "most black kids have single domestic workers for mothers." Is that how you stereotype black people in general Darryl? Im sure those Americans still think South Africans live in mud huts and chase lions in the street.

Santa will deliver your book Brian, right after Darryll's. Santa though was rather taken aback when you said that "quotas were weakening South African cricket" because it "fails to produce quality all-rounders". Santa has watched a fair bit of cricket over the years and that Phehlukwayo chap surely looks the business doesn't he? Didn't he just terrorise the Aussies with bat and ball recently Brian? If I'm not mistaken that Maharaj fellow was also quite handy with the bat in Australia. And that Philander guy was simply unplayable. Didn't he also score 73 against those Aussies in Perth? Santa sincerely hopes that when you read the book, you have an appreciation for the role of black people in cricket and that once upon a time, things were a lot worse in South African cricket.

As for you Kallie, stop being a silly bugger. Period. And no Kallie, stop telling people that when the Proteas lose a test series or the Springboks lose, it has to be because of "quotas". Santa sees you were very vocal again this weekend after the Springboks lost to Italy. It was rather dire stuff, truth be told. But to bring up quotas, again?? You were then behaving so nicely whilst the Proteas and their "quotas"were wiping the floor with Australia Down Under? And wasn't that Vernon Philander the same chap you labeled a "quota" after South Africa lost that World Cup Semifinal against New Zealand? Come now Kallie. It's time to own up and say you were wrong. Santa has never heard you say sorry once to all those black sportsman you so regularly insult. Maybe you are too busy reminiscing about the good old days, but hopes springs eternal.

Santa sincerely hopes the book will give you three chaps renewed insights into South Africa and sport, but mostly that it will stop you sounding like bigoted idiots.

All of the best


Ps: Kallie, I've also thrown in some tickets to the Apartheid museum for you to visit at any time.