24/12/2017 07:55 SAST | Updated 24/12/2017 07:56 SAST

DR EVE: Cuckolding And Hotwifing -- Fetish Or Not?

"According to the Good Book, allowing anyone else into your sacred bed, makes you an infidel who will be met with fire and brimstone."

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I remember the first time a couple came to share their cuckolding experience. I was moved by the boldness with which this 40-something educated man and woman spoke of this totally taboo fetish. The Good Book states that man and woman are only for each other, and that allowing anyone else into your sacred bed makes you an infidel who will be met with fire and brimstone.

Yet here was a couple, and the many couples I have since worked with, who were consensually and deliberately inviting another man into their bed -- to have sex with the wife! They were not in my therapy room because of coercion, or cheating pain. No, they were there because they wanted better strategies to manage cuckolding and what today is called "hotwifing".

"Hotwifing," literally means "hot wife sharing", It is a fetish in which a husband/partner is turned on by watching his hot wife/partner have sex with another man that he has chosen. He chooses a "bull" –– a man who is well endowed, preferably better endowed than he is.

Then he becomes the director of the production that he sets up. This production is a result of his sexual erotic orientation. He wants to be cuckolded. He seeks to feel simultaneously deeply humiliated and deeply aroused sexually. He wants to feel like a victim of the man he has invited in, and whom he orchestrates to make love to his woman.

This is the major element of the kink. He seeks the feeling of being humiliated as he watches his wife screaming with pleasure from another man. He becomes more and more aroused as she humiliates and mocks his sexual ability, praises the lover and makes him feel shameful of his size and sexual inabilities.

Before you jump into judgment, pause, be honest and consider: are you a man who has always enjoyed the idea of watching your female partner be penetrated by another man? Have you ever suggested to your wife that she shares her past sexual experiences with you, in graphic detail?

And as she does that and you feel jealousy and discomfort arise, do you feel your erection grow harder? Have you ever encouraged your partner to flirt while you watch from the other end of the room? And then gone home to make passionate love, spurred on by those feeling of jealousy and humiliation?

Hotwifing is a dangerous game involving jealousy, misery, gratitude, shame, sharing, sublimation, lust, and trust. The high point of cuckolding, for some guys, is when their wife/partner says she wants the other guy all the time, and never wants him.

For other cuckolds, pain isn't the point. Some are closeted husbands who want to see naked men, whether they admit it or not. Others like the idea of their wives attracting other guys.

I recall a very distressed woman who unknowingly had married a cuckold. He sold her the idea of hotwifing as an expansive philosophical ideal –– a way to live a full and interesting life; a way of enhancing their intimacy. She herself was a curious person, and agreed to his specific requirements.

On his instruction, she began flirting with colleagues, and with their au pair, hoping for a real-life encounter to satisfy her husband. She would reveal details of her flirtations as he made love to her.

Until the night when she got into bed with a man, her husband encouraging her via WhatsApp –– and she had a meltdown. She could not align her traditional values with what felt like cheating to her.

This isn't like swinging, and it's not a threesome. Cuckolded men mostly want to show off their wives. They observe their wives in action, or they may participate. That's the turn-on: they're left out, forced to look at their partner or participate as the woman they love climaxes with a different man. The feeling of humiliation is the turn-on. And the wife and the bull are aroused through humiliating the partner.

Seek therapy on how to manage your fetish.

It's a form of psychological sadomasochism. Some people get turned on by whips, chains, and physical pain. Others prefer plain, "vanilla" sex. Cucks get aroused by mental anguish. Some men prefer to observe only on camera, or to be locked in a closet during the sex.

Or he may be gagged, and masturbate while being forced to watch. Yet others like their women to meet up with the bull somewhere else and in a very aroused state, wait for her to come home, and then share the experience as the two of them enjoy hot sex. The specifics of the fetish are as unique as the individuals themselves.

Guidelines for healthy hotwifing:

  1. Become educated and then educate your partner.
  2. Discuss with an affirmative therapist, to ensure that it is well understood and there is consent from your partner.
  3. Discuss your motivations: Fetish? Explore your bisexuality?
  4. Clear boundaries, open lines of communication, and a unified view of those values is something the couple needs before even considering hotwifing.
  5. Definitely make "jealousy" a priority discussion.
  6. Never engage in this if your relationship is shaky.
  7. Never engage in this to "test each other's true feelings" for each other.
  8. Have clear boundaries and agreements with the Bull. For example, no social or private contact with the wife/partner. All communication and arrangements have to happen via the cuckold.
  9. Use condoms.
  10. Stop the moment your wife/partner wants it to stop.
  11. Seek therapy on how to manage your fetish.