When I was growing up there were a couple of songs that left a lasting impression and I often wonder if they influenced who I am and what I do today? Remember Rodriquez? 'I Wonder?' 'I wonder how many times you've had sex? ...' and the snigger that accompanied it. What about that Peter Starstedtsong, with the line, "the first time is always the best, ask your Mother!"
I can no longer remember how many times I've had sex but will always remember the first time. In my case it was special but by no means the best! I am going to go out on a limb and ask you to get your children to read this blog today. I also know that there may be an uproar but as you know by now I'm the fearless teller of necessary truths. So many children are sexual and pressured to be so at an extremely early age. It is alleged that children are having their first sexual experience in one way or the other by the age of 9.
Take pause and think about that number for a second. I for one am horrified! Children should be climbing trees and not thinking about having sex. But it's happening and we should be giving real information so our children can make informed decisions. Every single day I meet adults with sexual damage caused in part because of the way they were raised and that first experience. The first time will have a lasting influence and affect on your future relations, so don't go into it lightly.
My first time happened at university with a boyfriend I had been dating for about three years. We had our share of heavy petting and manually stimulated orgasms. We'd had over a year of one of us saying "Let's" and the other saying "No". Then we made a mutual decision that it was time. I took myself off to the doctor for contraceptives. In those days the doctor was obliged to notify my parents, but he didn't. We waited the mandatory period for them to work and then one evening it was all systems go.
And it was great! It was caring and sexy. We talked and expressed our fears. I was afraid penetration would be painful. I had read enough to scare the living daylights out of me. I knew what an orgasm felt like so I knew what I was attempting to achieve. For him the fears were the usual suspects, that his penis would not cooperate or last the distance. It was sweet, mind blowing, not so much.
I think that my first time made my attitude to sex beautiful and fulfilling. I know how incredibly blessed I am. Many more women have sex because they feel pressured to prove they 'love' their boyfriend because he threatened to 'get it' somewhere else. Even more are raped as a first experience. These women unless they have extensive therapy and help will be damaged forever. If you can choose your first experience make sure it's great because the stakes are very high if you don't.
Take your time. Your body is not a democracy. No is no, and if you are not respected send the partner packing. Sex should always be a pleasure, never a duty.
I believe we start helping our children make the best sexual decisions by getting our children to think about sex in a different way. Not dirty or forbidden, but something beautiful and sacred. Something to only be shared when they meet the right person. I want our children to understand the difference between love and lust. To understand the human body is built for pleasure and that that pleasure needs to be understood and experienced on their own before they go out and share it with inappropriate partners.
If we teach our daughters that their body will react to touching. That there is immense pleasure between her legs and that both have absolutely nothing to do with the boy they have a crush on then we have made a start. If she understands that the feeling is nothing more than biology then maybe when he puts his hand in her lap and it feels great she will know exactly what is going on. When he says "Can I put it in just a little", she can make an informed decision and will say no, until she is completely ready.
When he says "If you loved me you would" she will snap back with "If you loved me, you would wait until I'm ready". If he threatens to leave her, then let her call him a taxi to take him away. The first time should be a choice made when you are 100 percent ready. And then safety first! It doesn't matter if you think they are a virgin, use a condom! Sex the first time shouldn't hurt, it may feel different but it should not be painful. If you are ready and lubricated you should be fine. You may bleed a little, less than a half a teaspoon but in today's day and age you probably won't, especially if you play sport, ride a bike or a horse.
Take your time. Your body is not a democracy. No is no, and if you are not respected send the partner packing. Sex should always be a pleasure, never a duty. If you are in doubt whether you should or you shouldn't, err on the side of caution and don't. The damage you will do if you are not ready and rush it into it is irreversible. It is lifelong and can be avoided.