30/11/2016 05:55 SAST | Updated 30/11/2016 05:55 SAST

I'm Taking My Christmas Holiday Back!

Well, sort of.

Nivek Neslo

Christmas used to be my all-time favourite holiday of the year filled with lazy days, partying and good food... then I got married and had kids and started adulting and the delight slowly faded as the festive cheer, chilled days lounging around and evening (and midday) cocktails turned into days filled of cleaning up, finding ways to entertain the children and wishing it was January already so I can go 'rest' in the comfort of my office at work.

This year I'm taking my Christmas holidays back!

Kids: Go ahead, don't make your beds. Empty out all your cupboards. In fact, make a cave out of your clothes and you're welcome to spend a few days in there having fun. When you run out of clothing, its fine – you're allowed to run around semi-nude and use leaves as makeshift underwear – you will have a cave after all. Leave your wet towels and cozzies on the floor until they get mouldy. You want to watch TV all day – here's the remote, have a ball! You don't want to bath today? That's okay my baby, you did swim after all.

No more up till 3am on Christmas Eve playing 'Santa' and wrapping gifts whilst everyone else is dreaming of Rudolph and mince pies – here you go my dear children, Santa had a budget cut so it seems he just tossed all your gifts in these spacious bags. Bins bags? Of course not! They're designer bags in such a trendy black colour. And no, I don't have the luxury of a special gift wrapping room and assistant a la New York penthouse glam-wives style. My specialised gift wrapping has to be done in the dead of the night on Christmas Eve to minimise the risk of exposure of #SantaGate.

Hubby: Please share that magical Xmas power you have that helps you not see that ever-growing pile of dirty dishes covering every surface of the kitchen? Haven't you heard of paper plates? Disposable cutlery? How unappreciative can you be?! Someone took the time to think up these amazing but under-valued items and I'm definitely going to be grateful and use them. Clean glasses? That's what hands are for.

The floors are a bit sticky after that "little" holiday party last night? That's what socks are for, just keep them on all the time because I don't want to have to take you to the ER for a tetanus shot!

And my sweetheart, you know that fancy Christmas meal you love so much (the one that includes a big turkey, a million different sides and hours of prep) – well you're always saying that all you need is meat so here's a bag of wood – do your thing! Medium-rare please.

Dougal Waters
Is anyone planning on tidying that up? Anyone? No?

Of course, there's the packing away of Christmas joy aka trees, endlessly tangled lights and all the other bits and pieces. I think we should start a brand new New Year's Eve bonfire tradition – burn the lot! Next year we'll just be more on trend when we get new decorations instead having the same old boring stuff year after year.

And in case you're wondering - yes, I still want presents, lots of them (maybe a Sorbet gift voucher or two).

Are you all with me? Great! Let's have a very, merry Christmas!

P.S. Maybe we should have a small turkey – I mean, what's Christmas without some stuffing and Brussels sprouts? Whilst we're at it – we might as well invite the whole extended family over for a Boxing Day brunch – a good old bring and share that needs minimal prep, and we play spin the bottle Xmas-style to see who gets to clean up? A dash of extended family drama and politics to go with that brandy pudding will keep you entertained for months. And of course, the holidays are not the same without some home-made decorations – so get the glitter out and let's go wild.