13/02/2017 00:57 SAST | Updated 13/02/2017 15:35 SAST

These 5 Character Categories Show Why 'Trying Out' Women Is Not Always Advisable

Being with a woman is not something to be 'tried and tested', and is not an alternative to being with a man.

Tiffany Kagure Mugo

Recently, over some vino, I listened to a friend lament about how they were single this Valentine's day and how the previous ones had been quite trash. Problems of bad gifts and even worse sex added to why the dating pool was looking less like an oasis and more like a desert. She then asked my plans and I told her. She responded with:

"You are so lucky, women just get it."

Slowly, I placed down my glass and firmly told her to cut that mess out. I then proceeded to lay down some home truths for her. Dating is dating, people are people and come in a wide array of types and the myth that women 'simply get it' is wrong. I then explained that being with a woman was not something to be "tried and tested", and not simply an alternative to being with a man. Same way chocolate ice cream sundae is not an alternative to steak and chips.

Women were a delicious dish all of their own and not some sort of low carb low fat alternative. They also come in a whole host of foibles, so should one walk this path it is best to have your wits about you.

There is a reason there are many single queer women out there, it's not a perfect formula. We have our highs, we have our lows. There are some incredible partners and relationships out there, but there are some equally dicey ones.

Hell, I even know I have been some of these people.

So, before you (somewhat problematically) decide to "pack in men" for the prospect of a lovely date and multiple orgasms, consider some of the characters you may meet.

Thus, let us review the more shady characters you may encounter:

  1. The Serial Monogamist: You meet, wait for six months and boom you're living together. Then one day the fights start. She asks you to move out. You look at her like she cannot be serious. But you move out because sleeping in the same bed is getting awkward. Three weeks later you see her Facebook photos with the new "love of her life". Twelve weeks later you bump into them at House & Home buying pots and you are SURE the new love is wearing that hoodie you couldn't find. But you won't make a scene because mama didn't raise you that way. So you buy your single plate-bowl-spoon combo and walk out.

  2. The Tortured Soul/Intense Lover: She will call you at 4pm, 7pm, 12am, 1am, 3am. During these times you will have an explosive argument at 1 am, make up at 1am and then have another good argument that takes you from 3am till 6am. When the money runs out on your phone she will then message you and tell you that you do not care about the "things she is feeling" and she is tired of "giving and giving and giving". She forgets that she has taken and taken and taken hours of your sleep with all her "giving".

  3. The Classic Player: So smooth that cocoa butter feels like curdled milk compared to her. For me, she usually has dreadlocks and made my usually eloquent self speak in a series of giggles and grunts. But the reason this girl is so smooth is because she has managed to grease herself with the juices of every woman (straight and gay) within a 10 kilometer radius. If you think you are the first woman she has hit on in the past 20 seconds, you're wrong. But she is so good that something inside of you won't care. You will go home with her. She will wow you. She will blow your mind. She will turn you out. You will probably question every second of sex you have ever had before now. She might make you breakfast. She will not call. And when you see her again, you will go home with her again. Take this as an act of clairvoyance. This will happen.

  4. The One With A Partner At Home: This lovely woman is in a committed relationship and a happy one at that. I personally have been this woman. I was four years into my relationship, and I could have given masterclasses on flirting. This gave me the confidence to flirt and be awesome without the fear of rejection... If you reject her 'so what?', she has a woman at home who loves her even when she has that morning crust in her eyes. She may be in an open relationship, she may not. But chances are it probably will not end up with you two riding off into the sunset.

  5. The Good, Religious Woman: This type of woman has a whole host of things going on. She wants you. She really does and when she gets you alone you will see her inner caged animal. She will have you on your knees, in the shower, on the kitchen table, on the bed, under the bed and somewhere near where the bed used to be before it broke. And then, the sermon will come. "God thinks this is wrong," "What you're doing is wrong," and 'Who you are is wrong." She will begin to project her inner religious turmoil all over you to such an extent a lesser person will convert to Catholicism just so they can go to confession. But she will be back. Beware if her bag looks big enough to carry a bible, it could make the night take a holy turn.

So before you say "Men suck, I'm going gay," think about these categories. Queer women are not a direct replacement for men and this is not to purely to expose the underbelly of the queer dating world but to warn you, the work may have to start internally. Also to say do not erase and play with people's sexual identity on a whim. But mostly the internal work stuff. Dating at the end of the day, is dating, there is no magic vagina-based formula to it.