THE BLOG
06/06/2018 06:12 SAST | Updated 06/06/2018 06:13 SAST

How America Can End School Shootings For Good

The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is not a good guy with a gun.

Bob Strong/ Reuters
A protester holds a sign during a 'March For Our Lives' demonstration demanding gun control in Sacramento, California, U.S. March 24, 2018.

I don't understand America's obsession with the phrase "The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun", and I don't mean simply because it seems to be a confusing thing to say after every school shooting they have.

Let's assume that the logic behind the saying is sound for a minute, that arming teachers with their own guns will mean that bad kids with guns will be stopped in their tracks before they can do murder on their fellow students, surely we should still take it a step further? Wouldn't it make more sense to actually arm the teachers better than the students who have guns?

If your wife was facing off against a madman with a knife, surely you would give her a gun rather than a knife of her own – given the choice, and assuming you are the same kind of coward I am who wouldn't offer to fight him in her stead?

America doesn't go to war against anyone without being sure they have better weapons and greater numbers than their opposition, so why are they including a fair play clause in the teacher vs student shootouts?

Surely this saying should be, "The only good way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with laser-guided nuclear warheads" or better yet, "The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy in some kind of mechanised Gundam suit with arms made out of laser cannons?".

There is no 14-year-old with a tog bag full of guns who could take on a squadron of teachers flying F-16s. "The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with an army of battle-armoured velociraptors".

At the moment a six-year-old can buy an assault rifle with her tooth fairy money, and gun enthusiasts don't want that to change.

Honestly, it's this kind of narrow world thinking that has America stranded and watching the same school shooting every week on their news. The only thing the saying "The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun" is good for is selling more guns.

Instead of empowering the same NRA cadres after every shooting, why not invest in some decent startups to make the teachers not only the equal of a gun-toting teen but his superior. The stock exchange would boom as companies entered the market making bulletproof robot geography teachers, interstellar "bad guy with a gun" laser targeting systems, and problem student decapitation collars.

The other option is, of course, the one proposed by snowflake liberal cucks like myself in which America just takes away the guns from the students, or at least make it a lot harder for them to buy them. At the moment a six-year-old can buy an assault rifle with her tooth fairy money, and gun enthusiasts don't want that to change.

What they don't understand is that if they are right, and taking away guns from scholars won't lower the number of attacks, then it will at least make them more interesting. I am sure we are all bored as hell of the same story happening over and over again.

Rather than watch the news to only see the aftermath of yet another "schooting" (a portmanteau of school and shooting, that I am leaving behind as my gift to humanity) we could all track the killer student as he stalked through the ventilation system leaping on popular kids with a sharpened stick and a Taser.

Oh, what a wonderful world it could be, but doubtless, despite offering two win-win answers to this problem, those NRA haters will say I am wrong.

This post originally appeared on Robertson's personal blog.